I love my Father. It’s on dreary days such as this that I feel like talking with him most. On sunny days it’s so easy to forget what I’ve been through. Sunny days run together. It’s the days like today, when I’m forced to slow down, that I look outside at the rainy cold and I really let myself imagine what life without my Father would be like.

I would be nothing without him.

I should be able to, but I can’t remember when I first knew he was my Father. Whenever it was, it has been the most pivotal moment in my entire life. Of course he was my father before I even realized he was. He’s always protected me. He’s always loved me. He’s known all of my features and characteristics longer than anyone else. He’s laughed at me and he’s laughed with me.

Now that I’m a dad I understand what it means to be a father of a child you love so much that everything hurts, even the good stuff.  I ache for my son even when he’s as happy as he could be. I know what lies ahead. I know that love, joy, sorrow, heartbreak, peace, prosperity, loneliness, and despair are all in his path; If for no other reason then he know how to differentiate between each of those feelings. He will fall and rise up. He will be attacked and he will be tempted. He will sin.

When I look back at my own life it’s easy to see the sins I committed. I know that they are forgiven, but they are still there - like a tiny hole in the wall where a push pin once was. I made those choices and I can still remember making them. I can remember the raging war inside of me each time I chose to disregard my Father’s words of wisdom or of caution.

How I wish I could go back and change the past, and tell my younger self to listen to his Father. I know my son will wish that someday too.

What I appreciate most about my Father’s influence on my life, is that it has always been with one hand to guide me and one hand to pick me up whenever I fall. He’s never led me with a strong arm. He’s never pushed me or pulled me away from anything. He’s simply held his arm out and pointed me towards The Way, but I still don’t always heed that guidance. There are times I duck under his arm and go in a different direction. I always pay the price, and I always come back to my Father no matter how far I’ve wandered.

The difficulty of having children is most evident in what the parent cannot do for them. I never appreciated that about my own dad until I had a son. I am so thankful that he recognized early on that he would never be enough. My dad knew I needed something more; someone bigger and stronger than he would ever be. I need my Father’s strength because I am weak. I need my Father’s bigness because of my smallness. My dad needs a Father too, and so does my son.

I pray often that I will know how to deflect my son’s desire to look to me for all the answers. I’m just a man, and he will need to know that as soon as he can understand it. His hope is mine and my dad’s - that we are saved by God the Father’s grace and love.

What a love it is.

I haven’t posted a blog in so long!  I am going to try something new starting at the first of the month when Henry is 10 months.  I am going to write a letter to Henry, highlighting all the things he is doing.  I sometimes want to post and then don’t even know where to start.  I think that writing once a month about all the new things Henry is up to will be a fun and attainable goal.

We are doing wonderfully, albeit busy, here at the Swords home.  Our small group is going well.  God has really blessed us with amazing couples who have committed to doing life with us.  He is teaching us a ton and discussion has been good.  We recently started meeting one on one every two weeks with girls.  We are in the 4th week and so far it seems to be going well.

I am doing the James Bible study through the women’s ministry at our church through satellite because it takes place on Tuesday nights when I am working.  It has been awesome and I have really enjoyed studying this book again; God is teaching me so much this time around!

Jasien and I are taking a couple trips soon.  This weekend we are going to Austin for one night for a regional award Jasien won with Verizon.   They are flying us there Saturday morning and we get to do some fun stuff around there and then fly back on Sunday.  Myles and Tiana are going to stay at our house and take care of Henry.  It will be good practice for us for when we go to Whistler, Canada March 7-10.

Jasien won the national award as well and we get to go have fun in the snow!  We are dogsledding, snow mobiling and going on a zip line through the mountains.

We are excited but we are going to miss our boy so much.  I am really looking forward to spending time with my best friend one-on-one; it’s going to be GREAT!!!!

My mom will be coming to stay with Henry and Jasien’s mom will also come visit 1 or 2 nights so he will be in the best hands!  I haven’t been away from him for more than a couple of hours since he’s been born, it’s going to be rough!

Work is going well, I am cutting back a bit so that I can be home until Jasien gets off work.  I am working a couple hours on Saturday morning, which I have not been liking too much.  I love the kids, but it is hard to be away from my boys on Saturday.  I am probably going to cut back even more this summer.

We went to visit Jasien’s family this past weekend and had a wonderful time.  Jasien’s dad was in a play; Our Town, and it was a joy to watch.  He did a fantastic job as the narator.  We also celebrated Grandma Specht’s birthday, it was a great time!

I will post pictures of our trips as well as my new updating method when we return!

1. We’ve been very busy.

2. Henry has cut 3 teeth and is working on #4.

3. My dad is going to be in a play this week. It’s called our Our Town.

4. I won President’s Cabinet for 2009. It’s a big honor and I’m very grateful for God’s provision and to the awesome people I worked with and who contributed greatly to my success in 2009.

5. Every day I’m amazed at how much Henry is learning and doing.

6. Softball season is starting soon. March 5th. That’s also the date of Isaac’s graduation from the Police Academy.

7. Verizon Wireless is sending Bekah and I to Whistler Canada for a week for winning President’s Cabinet in 2009.

8. They are also sending us to Austin, TX for a weekend for winning Winner’s Circle in 2009.

9. God is unbelievably good. He has blessed me so much. We are definitely in a season of prosperity and we thank Christ for his blessings.

10. We also remind ourselves that trips and things and money are not why we give Him glory.

11. I wish I had more time.

Signed,

Jasien Swords

Yesterday was my last day with Verizon Wireless, in the role I was hired for in October of 2005. It was a bittersweet day that I’m still trying to fully comprehend. When I started with the company I was not anything like I’ve grown to become today. I was single, alone. I had just moved back from a 3rd world country where my relationship with Christ was renewed; I understand that now way more than I did four and half years ago. I was still desperate to love and be loved, but didn’t have a clue how that was supposed to work.

Since the day I started working for Verizon, so much has changed. I fell in love with the word of God, and I fell in love with my wife. I made many new friends and my old friendships were strengthened. In 2 Peter it talks about how one day is like a thousand years to God, and a thousand years is like one day. God can see infinitely beyond and behind. He is time, not in time. I can’t imagine what I would have done with that power, but I am glad I didn’t have it. It’s much better for me to simply trust Him. I can look back and see His plan and how it played out. I don’t know about others, but that revelation comforts me greatly.

So anyone who reads the first two paragraphs of this blog post could rightfully ask the question “why is the day so bittersweet if you know what God has done and is capable of doing?” I know that I can’t really give a valid answer why, except that when things end I have a hard time letting go. It’s my humanistic nature I guess. When people die we don’t immediately come to grips with their death do we? It takes time. We are in time and subjected to it’s outcome.

I have to come to terms that the last four and a half years are gone, never to return. I am not a Business Sales Representative for Verizon Wireless any longer. My best work buddy, Jared, isn’t going to pop his head over my cube wall anymore. That’s just the way it is.

I have to wonder if this will always be a flaw in my makeup. Will I always be so humanistic that the death of a thing looms larger than the Creator of all things? Why do I want to war against what I know is coming when I know it’s going to be so much better? We are temporarily here, doing temporary things. The closer the things are to our hearts, the harder it is to remember that Heaven is just around the corner. It’s paramount that Christ “owns” me, anything else will end up damning me. As much as I adore Bekah she can’t own my heart, because if I ever lost her or Henry (I tear up at the thought), then I would be irrevocably devastated beyond repair.

Watching my work friends say goodbye has been more difficult than I have let on. Leaving my job behind is difficult. I grew comfortable in it, and I loved it (most days). I loved it only because it constantly revealed to me who God is. God provided through Verizon in that role. There were times I had no clue how it could happen, and yet it always did. The only reason is God’s provision, and His grace for me when I doubted in it.

As for my job future, it seems that God has provided a way for me to continue working for Verizon in a new role. I know that if He wants me with Verizon, then his provision and His revelation of Himself will continue through that company. I’m just not a good enough salesperson, or person for that matter, to have had the blessing that God has given me. I found out yesterday that I won the top sales rep award for 2009 at my position. When I called my dad and told him, his first question was “what was the key to your success?” I didn’t for a second have a doubt in what the answer was. It was God. I told him I couldn’t look back over the year and point to any moment where I could take credit for what happened. I could, by contrast, point to several moments where God created a way. Why? I just don’t know. I give Him all the glory though.

I am closing this chapter in my life, because time is closing it for me. Thankfully, we can simply trust in God to guide us. When I was leaving for Peru in the winter of 2005, I was the most lost I’d ever been. I was wandering. I am thankful for the time of wandering, because as I told someone just this morning, you see more things when your lost if only because you have no idea where you’re going. And though I’m not a wanderer anymore, I don’t know what the coming weeks, months, and years will bring. I only know that my Father will not leave me, even when everything else does.

LISTEN - Band Of Horses - The End’s Not Near (MP3) (Lyrics)

Bekah, Henry, and I made the drive to Topeka, KS this year to spend Christmas and New Years Eve with friends and family from the “Free State.” We just made it here before a blizzard hit. We’ve already received 2 ft. of snow in the last 24 hours, and it sounds like more may be coming. Interstates were closed down in Oklahoma less than a day after we passed through. It’s definitely been a Christmas for the ages, at least in terms of the weather.

I thought about last Christmas this morning, and how I was awake in the middle of the night. I got up and wrote a blog post and I was full of deep thoughts. This year, I have no deep thoughts to share. I’m just relaxing and enjoying myself.

Hopefully the weather subsides a bit and we’re able to get out and poke around Topeka. I’d like to go to Lawrence while we’re here too. My hope is that amidst all of the activities Bekah and I will be able to do a few things with Henry that we’re not able to do in Texas.

Hope everyone is having a great Christmas!